According to his lawyer, actor Tom Sizemore is destitute and living in somebody’s garage. The guy is on probation for drug problems and beating up ex-girlfriend Heidi Fleiss (for which he was sentenced to six months but never served a day — American justice!), so he can’t leave the country to practice his craft (i.e., acting).

But when he got an opportunity to go to Cambodia to shoot a movie, the judge said he could go if he could pass a drug test every day until he left. That was last month he was scheduled to leave next week. All the guy had to do was clean up long enough to leave the country.

He couldn’t.

On the very first day of testing Sizemore got caught using a faux pecker prosthetic penis sold under the name Whizzinator while giving his sample. The whiz he whizzed was too cool to have come from the body and a subsequent inspection revealed the fake unit sewn to the inside of his pants. Also discovered was a bag of clean urine and a heat pack — both of which are also sold with the Whizzinator (guaranteed clean dehydrated piss available for just $12 per pack, or three for $10).

The next two days Sizemore was required to take the test again. He tested positive for methamphetamines both times, so now he is back behind bars waiting for trial unless he can come up with 25K in bond money.

FYI, the plastic snake Whizzinator is available in white, tan, latino, brown and black. Also FYI, Sizemore has gotten caught trying to use the phony noodle once before and has failed five other random drug tests over the past few months.

Nowhere but America, folks, can someone make a profit from selling a dildo with a hole in it and dried pee, especially when it doesn’t even work. And only in America will you find actors that like Sizemore who try it and fail, yet buy it again.

What a maroon.