• With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
• Yeah, I know I’m ugly…I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
• When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
• I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
• One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
• I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
• My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
• I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
• I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
• When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”

Rodney Dangerfield, the goggle-eyed comic famed for his self-deprecating one-liners and signature phrase “I can’t get no respect,” died on Tuesday at age 82, his publicist said.

Dangerfield, who became a pop culture sensation with a string of broad film comedies starting with “Caddyshack” in 1980, died at 1:20 p.m. PDT (4:20 p.m. EDT) at the UCLA Medical Center, where he had undergone heart valve replacement surgery in August, spokesman Kevin Sasaki said in a statement.

Rodney walks with the angels and the angels now laugh when they walk. Rest in peace.