Sung to the tune of Space Oddity (1969) by David Bowie
Published in the National Post

Ground control to jealous mom
Ground control to jealous mom
Take your wig and coat and put your diaper on

Ground control to jealous mom
Commencing car trip, engines on
Check steel mallet and take latex gloves with you

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five,
Four, three, two, one … cat fight!

This is ground control to jealous mom
You’ve really pepper sprayed
And there’s not enough space love for you to share
Now it’s time to face the courtroom if you dare

This is jealous mom to ground control
I’m finding fame a bore
And my lawyers only care about their pay
And William Oefelein still won’t come out to play

For here am I sitting in my jail cell an astronaut in chains
Time to say adieu to my former NASA crew

Though I’ll sit through many days of trial I feel like I could kill
Any bimbo scientist who’d steal my beau
Even engineers have feelings don’t you know

Ground control to jealous mom
No tabloids called, there’s something wrong
Can you hear me, jealous mom?
Can you hear me, jealous mom?
Can you hear me, jealous mom? Can you….